I’m Exactly Who I’ve Wanted to be

It hit me today as I was walking around the mall, I am the person who I have envied all these years. All the years I was waiting for my husband to be “ready” to have a baby, the year it took us to get pregnant the first time, the 9 months we waited for him, then trying again and our pregnancy with Michaela. I’m now the mom in the mall so in love with this new little being, pushing her baby with pride, and loving life! I am a mom (to a living child, I must add)!

Now, that’s not to say everything is all roses and butterflies. Not every moment of every day is amazing. Being a parent is hard work!

Why didn’t anyone tell me how time consuming it is?!? I mean, I knew babies are helpless and rely on you for everything, but I didn’t realize that meant every single second of the day. Sometimes she won’t let me put her down. Or even the simple act of changing a diaper can turn into a 20 minute task once she pees on you, then once you’ve cleaned that up, she decides it’s time to poop, and once that’s clean, she spits up on the outfit you just put her in. I’m not kidding, this happens 5 of the 7 days of the week…if not more. But I love it and it makes me laugh!

I am a mom!! Yes, I believe I became a mom when I got pregnant with Joshua. I’m not just a mom because I have a living child now, I was a mom before this.

I knew I wanted to be a mom from the time I was little. I always said that I was born to be a mom and I still truly believe that. My path to motherhood wasn’t smooth, as I imagine my journey as a mom won’t always be smooth. There will be ebbs and flows. But Michaela is my pride and joy. She’s what makes my heart tick. I never knew how amazing it could be.

I may not be what you see on TV or what people may expect me to be as a new mom but the beauty is that I don’t care. I don’t care that my house has never been messier. I don’t care about my belly and when it’ll shrink or even if it’ll shrink down to its normal size. I don’t care if I’m going the speed limit and the car behind me is annoyed about it. I don’t care that I sit in spit up clothes all day long and my pjs are soaked in milk when I wake up at night to feed her. I don’t care that I’m tired and most times can’t nap when she naps because I’m too enthralled by her beauty. It no longer matters to me that I’m late to things because it took me 30 minutes longer to leave the house than usual.

Today in my New Mom’s Class, the leader asked, “what do you need to do to be you or decompress?” She wanted a response like, “10 minutes alone each day” or “an evening out with friends”. And when I thought about it, it was what I do each day. Be a mom. Take care of my baby. That’s what makes me the happiest. That’s who I am! I am finally the person who I’ve worked incredibly hard to be these last three years.

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What a Different (and Amazing) World

I type this on my phone with a sleeping baby in my arms. Michaela is the sweetest and most adorable thing I’ve laid eyes on. She fills my once broken heart. I have so much love for this little being!

I feel I’ve been absent from my blog. Quite honestly, I don’t like putting her down. I can barely get anything done around the house. My house has never been messier which, to my surprise, doesn’t bother my Type A personality because I’m so preoccupied with this little girl.

Michaela is so loved. I stare at her most of the day and she may just grow up with a complex since I tell her how beautiful she is all day long.

I miss Joshua! I love him so much and wish he was here. But I know Michaela wouldn’t be here if he was (we clearly wouldn’t have been trying again if we had a 4 month old at home). I wish they were both here with us. I wish I could watch both of them grow up. I know I will see Joshua again. I believe in God and Heaven and know he’ll be waiting for us one day when we get to Heaven. It makes death a little less scary to me.

Michaela will know about Joshua. She’ll know she has a big brother who is watching over her.

Being a mom to a living child is amazing and so different than mothering a child who’s gone to Heaven. I love them the same. Instead of looking at a photo and crying because I miss Joshua, I look at a baby and cry because I have so much love for this little being and am so grateful she’s alive and healthy. I’m so overwhelmed with love for her and know how lucky I am to have such a wonderful daughter.

Michaela and Joshua have their own looks but you can tell they are siblings. They have the same eyes and nose. She seems to look more and more like Joshua as she gets older. I couldn’t see much similarity when she was first born which kind of disappointed me. I wanted one thing to look the same. But I see it more now. She’s unique in her own way but I’m loving seeing my baby boy in her.

I’m so thankful that God has blessed us with a perfect little girl and boy. I’m happy Michaela is healthy and here with us!

God Speaks

gods-voice

God is so good!  Even throughout the pain and struggle of losing a child, He is good.

On Sunday we were sitting in church and I felt God speaking to me.  The pastor was praying, “Thank you God, that we are alive.”  Immediate the baby gave me a big kick.  I felt like God was telling me she’s alive, she’ll be okay, you don’t have to worry anymore.

The pastor went on to pray about joy and again the baby kicked.  A nice little reminder that I need to feel joy in this pregnancy.  God has so much joy in us and our baby, God has so much joy to give, and we have so much joy in God and His goodness.

After church we attended the new member lunch.  After 6 years of attending our church, we felt it was time to finally go through the classes to become a member (slackers, I know).  During the lunch, the lead pastor went around the room and had people introduce themselves.  To my surprise, many had been attending longer than we had!  Once they said a little about themselves, the pastor read a verse for everyone.  My verse was Psalm 27:1:

“The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I fear?”

You’re right, God, whom what shall I fear?  I shouldn’t fear her birth, I should fear of her death.  She’s alive!!!!  She’s my joy!!  There is nothing to fear when I trust in God.  I need to trust He will provide.  He provided an abundant, albeit short, life for Joshua.  But he was my joy for that short time and he will always be a source of my joy.  And this little girl growing inside of me is also my joy.  God will provide a full life for her, one where I should not fear how short it may be.  She is alive and she is our joy!