10 Days Away

Oh my goodness, we are just 10 days away from meeting our daughter. I’m so excited and anxious and nervous. It’s a surreal feeling to think we’ll be looking at our baby within 10 days (or earlier perhaps).

My husband had to go out of town for work this week and enlisted my mom to babysit me while he was away. Actually, it was doctor’s orders. She loved it! She slept over at our house and we watched Hallmark movies at night. It was fun. I was counting the hours until he was home though. I didn’t want our baby to arrive while he was a 3.5 hour plane ride away.

Now that he’s home, she can come anytime! I feel like my body is ready for this baby to come. Clearly my body doesn’t realize I’m having a c section. I have Braxton Hicks contractions all the time. My pelvis hurts and my back is starting to get crampy.

Back to this surreal feeling….It’s so hard to imagine that she’ll be here within 10 days. My life is going to change so drastically. There are so many things I remember changing when Joshua was born that I’m looking forward to again, mainly that instant love and joy I felt seeing him and being able to hold his beautiful body. But there are also so many new things I’m going to experience that we didn’t get to with Joshua. Bathing, breastfeeding, interacting with her, and enjoying all those things that come with having a new baby. I’m so ready for those things, but it’s still hard for me to imagine those things will actually be happening since they didn’t happen last time.

I have no doubts that everything will go well. I pray about it every day. I believe we will be bringing home a beautiful baby, yet I almost can’t picture it. I think it’s something that’s hard to explain to those who haven’t been through something similar. My mind doesn’t wander to those places anymore. I’ve read so many places that a loss takes away the nativity of pregnancy and I fully believe that. I’ve experienced that. My mind doesn’t allow me to daydream about a baby like it did when I was pregnant with Joshua.

I digress! I’ve been slow at blog posts lately and just wanted everyone to know that things are going well. She’s kicking and rolling all the time (something I will miss when she’s out). I’m so excited to meet her! 10 days and counting!

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“Are You Nervous”

Oh man, I despise the question “are you nervous”. It’s well-founded, but you know what this questions does to me…it makes me nervous! I go about my time impatiently waiting and anxiously anticipating the arrival of our daughter when I get the question (twice this week).

It makes me think that I have something to be nervous about. Do I have something to be nervous about? Why haven’t I been nervous the last couple weeks? Yep, now I’m nervous! Thanks!

I’m trying to rely on my faith and my constant prayers that she will be born screaming. The silence of last time was deafening. I’m trying to rely on the fact that my excitement has outweighed my fear. The fear comes in waves. I’m trying to rely on the fact that this probably, most likely won’t happen twice. Although, scarcely it does.

When I’m not getting these silly questions, I am excited! We are one month and two days away from meeting our little pumpkin. I know she will be born alive. I’m positive of it. I’ve researched c-sections, asked my doctor a million questions, and watched videos (yes, I watched multiple). I talk to our baby every day and let her know that Mama would appreciate it if she cries the moment she comes out and continues to cry until her daddy holds her.

One month, two days. Did I mention that?! It’s so close yet so far away. I want December 1st to be today so I can meet my little girl. Alive, healthy, and screaming!

Two More Months

Two more months (from tomorrow), we will be welcoming our daughter into this world.  Unless she decides to come early!  I’m excited, yet terrified at the same time.

I’m excited to hold a living, breathing baby.  I’m terrified she won’t be born alive.

I’m excited to nurse her and watch her gaze up at her mama.  I’m terrified I won’t get that chance.

I’m excited to bring home our baby.  I’m terrified we’ll have to leave her at the hospital like we did her brother.

As I get closer and closer to the c-section date (December 1st), I get more and more excited and more and more scared.  I try to trust that the Lord will provide and to be honest, I could try a little harder.  I keep asking God for a sign through a dream that she’ll be okay.  A clear dream where I’m home with her and she’s healthy and happy.  That hasn’t happened yet.  I wish, I pray that it would.  But I remember that God has told me in other ways.  My mom had a dream that God told her everything was going to be okay with the baby.  She even kicked during prayer at church about being alive!  But that seems so long ago that I want reassurance from God that it’ll be okay.  I have to be okay with the fact that God may not give me those answers because he already told me.

I’m so ready to hold her.  I want her in my arms.  It’s hard to imagine a living baby.  I think my mind blocks it out to protect me.  I want to imagine a living baby at home, doing all those things moms do.  I dreamed of those things when I was pregnant with Joshua.  I imagined him home with us and planned Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, family outings, and vacation.  I can’t see those things now.  My mind refuses to look at those things.  As much as I want to, my mind won’t allow myself to go there.  I remember passing those milestones after giving birth to Joshua and how hard they were because I had imagined it so differently.  I think my mind is trying to save me the potential pain of that again.

I was able to connect with the head of the nurses at the hospital.  She walked through my hopes and fears of our birth and wrote a birth plan for us.  I told her my hope is to have a healthy baby and my fear is that things will end like they did last time.  I told her I wanted no silence in the room during the c-section.  If the baby doesn’t come out crying, I want to make sure someone is there telling me she’s okay, she’s breathing, and she’s alive.  I want all the nurses and doctors to know what happened with Joshua.  I don’t need people to be overly sympathetic, but I want to avoid questions like, “is this your first?”, “I see you were here recently, how old is your first?”, or “how does your first feel about having a sister?”  I know I’ll get these in life, but the birth day of my daughter is one day in particular I want to avoid these questions.

I’m happy I reached out to the hospital.  The lady was so incredibly sweet and helpful.  At my doctor’s appointment yesterday, my doctor mentioned how she had connected with the head of the nurses as well and discussed the birth.  She was happy I had reached out to her.  I’ve also requested to see if it was possible to have a “natural” or “family centered” c-section.  When I said the words “natural c-section”, my doctor gave me a funny look.  No, it’s not about no drugs like one would think.  It’s about being as mom and baby centered as possible, just a like a vaginal birth would be.  Mom can see the baby come out if she wishes (they drop the drape) and baby is placed on mom’s chest for skin to skin as well as breastfeeding while mom is being stitched up.  My particular hospital is not currently practicing this method, but they are willing to try it for me as long as the baby is doing well.  And they are looking into it for future c-section births.  I’m so excited I could bring this idea to the hospital.  I want a natural childbirth, but I’m scared to try it again, so I want to have as natural of a childbirth that I can doing a c-section.  Natural and c-section don’t seem to fit in the same sentence, but I want our experience to be as natural as we can possibly make it.

Two more months from tomorrow!  Nine weeks from yesterday.  It’s a good thing I have my weekends from now until then all booked up so these 9 weeks fly by!  I cannot wait to meet our little girl!

28 Week Ultrasound

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted.  I guess life has been pretty normal lately.  Just counting the days until this baby arrives.  We finally got our csection scheduled!!!  December 1st at 7:30AM.  I simply cannot wait.  11 weeks from today!  It feels better at this point to count down the weeks than keep counting up to 40 weeks (or 39 and 2 days in my case).  I hope this little girl stays in there until December 1st.  I’m so focused on that day, she’d throw me for a loop if she came earlier.

This morning we had our monthly growth ultrasound.  She’s measuring in the 77th percentile for weight at 3 pounds 3 ounces.  The pregnancy sites say she should be about 2 1/2 pounds right now; she’s well above that.  Good thing she’s coming 2 weeks earlier than Joshua or she may be a 9 pounder!

Our ultrasound tech was so friendly today.  We’ve had her twice before and the first time she was a grouch, so I was pleasantly surprised with her peppiness today!  We got done with the growth portion in about 5 minutes.  I was laying there hoping she wouldn’t stop the ultrasound yet.  We brought our moms to the appointment today to see the baby.  We had them come to our 20 week ultrasound with Joshua and looking back I’m so happy we did since it was the only time they were able to see him alive.  I cherish these ultrasounds being that the baby is alive and healthy today.  I know some might take ultrasounds for granted, but I just can’t get enough of them.

Today, the ultrasound tech was nice enough to look around and find good photo opps for us!  She was sleeping today, eye closed and so peaceful.  For a moment I panicked.  We hadn’t seen her move on the ultrasound yet and I hadn’t felt her move since early morning.  I was waiting to see the flicker of the heart, but the tech wasn’t to that spot yet.  Finally we saw the heartbeat and I had a wave of relief come over me.  I think that may be something only a loss mom would feel or understand.  We were able to see her cute chubby cheeks and soft lips!  We got a cute profile picture, verified for the third time that she’s a girl, saw her little toes, and actually saw that she has hair.  I wasn’t sure she’d have hair since I haven’t had much heartburn.  I know that’s a old wives’ tale, but Joshua had so much hair that was accompanied by so much heartburn.  I figured since I hadn’t had much this pregnancy that she’d come out bald.

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After the ultrasound, we had an OB appointment.  The nurse called us back.  The same nurse from our first OB appointment where she blurted out “you’re back soon!”  Today she recognized us but didn’t remember that Joshua had died.  “How old is your baby now?” she asked.  I paused, “ahh, he passed away at birth.”  You could see that she realized she had put her foot in her mouth.  She got uncomfortable and was sorry she had asked.  Ugh, I wish people would read charts before blurting things out like that.  But I suppose that’s part of this life I was given.  Someone will always be there to say something like that.

I recently read a post about things to do during pregnancy after loss.  One piece of advice was to work with the hospital to let them know what your expectations are for your nurses.  It suggested having nurses who are skilled in bereavement and loss.  I’m happy I read that article.  I’m planning to reach out to the hospital to see if the nurses could be made aware of our situation before coming into the room.  I’m hoping to avoid things like, “is this your first?”

On a lighter note, last night I was getting ready for bed and walked out into the hallway.  Behr, our 7 year old Husky Lab mix, was sleeping in the baby’s room.  I turned on the light to take a photo and she was not pleased with me (hence the face), but it’s too cute of her.  She did this when I was 33 week pregnant with Joshua and has done it a few times now throughout this pregnancy.  I think she’s ready to be a protective big sister.

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10 Months

Yesterday marked 10 months since Joshua was born and subsequently died.  10 months.  That’s a hard number to swallow.  I cannot believe it.  In fact, I didn’t even realize that yesterday was the 26th.  Shortly after I got to work, my mom text me.

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I touches me that my mom remembers.  And almost hurts that I didn’t.  I felt badly for not knowing it was the 26th.  In the beginning, I dreaded days.  I dreaded the weekends and counted the weeks since Joshua was born.  Now it feels like each day is the same.  There is no fearing a Friday or Saturday to arrive (the day I went into the hospital and the day he was born).  There is no looking at the calendar in anticipation that the 26th is arriving soon.  It’s just a day like any other.  Part of me is happy and quite relieved I can say that.  The other part of me feels like I’m losing touch of my son when I don’t fiercely recognize these days.

Last week my cousin had a baby.  There have been plenty of births after Joshua, but this one hit me.  Not because I’m particularly close to my cousin, I don’t know what it was, but that night was hard on me.  I cried.  A lot.  The ugly, out loud, snot running down my face, can’t breathe kind of cry.  I couldn’t stop it.  The crying started on the couch, just watching TV.  Nothing triggered it.  I just couldn’t help but think how unfair it was that Joshua died.  Why me?  Why him?  Those questions I asked every day in the beginning.  I went up stairs into his room and brought out his photos.  This simultaneously made it better and worse.  The crying got worse, but my heart felt a little better.  I’ve looked at those photos a thousand times, but on that particular day looking at the photos made me feel like I was reliving the day.  I felt like I was right back in the pain the days after his death.  I wanted to text my husband to come home but didn’t want to bother him at his work function.

After I got all the deep down sobs out, I went to the bathroom to blow my nose and make sure my mascara wasn’t all over my face.  I went back downstairs to get my mind off things.  My husband came home shortly after.  He immediately knew something was wrong and asked me about it.  I just hugged him and said, “I miss Joshua.  It’s just not fair.”  He said, “I know, I miss him too.  He was too perfect for earth and God needed him for something bigger.  We have our little girl coming soon and Joshua will be watching over her.  You should have called me if you were having a bad night, I would have come home.”  It was comforting to know he missed Joshua too, but I didn’t like how he changed the subject to the new baby.  “I know, but that doesn’t make me miss him any less, in fact, sometimes it makes me miss him more,” I responded.

Getting closer and closer to our little girl’s arrival makes me miss Joshua more.  Her big kicks remind me of him.  Dreaming of (or dreading) her birth makes me missing him more as well.  I still have a hard time imagining what it’ll be like with a living baby at home.  Some days are so great.  Of course I miss him every day and try to tell him that I love him multiple times, but some days just feel normal now.  Then there are other days like last week when I just can’t stop the tears.  It’ll never be fair that Joshua died.  It’ll never be okay.  My pain won’t go away from not having him in my life.  Although, I know that I wouldn’t be pregnant right know if it wasn’t for his death.  I know this baby has a place in our lives that was meant to be, just like Joshua, and she wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for that tragic event 10 months ago.

10 months ago was the best and worst day of my life.  I don’t know that many people would understand that and that’s okay.  10 months ago we had our son.  He was the most perfect and beautiful baby I’ve ever seen (I may be a little biased!).  I miss him.  We had 6 hours with him.  I wish we had the last 10 months.  I miss touching his soft skin and that soft hair.  I miss looking at his cute little lips, long eyelashes, and perfect nose.  I miss him.  I love him.  I always will.

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Glucose Test and Ultrasound

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I was dreading my glucose test yesterday.  Last year when I was pregnant with Joshua, I failed the one hour glucose test.  I didn’t have much confidence for this year’s one hour test.  I made sure not to eat or drink anything for a good two hours before my test (even though my instructions only state one hour).  I arrived at my appointment early to make sure I could drink it before the ultrasound and appointment so I didn’t have to wait  the hour afterwards.

I gulped it down.  It’s not all that bad.  To me it tastes like extra sweet flat orange soda.  Not great, but not terrible.  The clock started.  I went into the ultrasound.  I didn’t think the test would effect the baby since I had literally drank the concoction right before going in, but the ultrasound tech said that the baby can get the sugars within 5 minutes of eating something.  That’s quick!

As usual, she was all wiggles during the ultrasound.  She was adorable!  Her little feet were crossed and we could even see how full her cheeks are getting.  To my amazement, the tech and I even saw her blink.  She passed her growth ultrasound with flying colors.  She’s measuring at about 1 lb 14 ounces and looks healthy!!  Mama is happy!

photo 1Here’s a picture of her profile.  Blurry, but still the most adorable thing I’ve seen!

After the ultrasound, I sat down and waited for my doctor’s appointment.  Almost immediately, the glucose timer went off.  The nurse grabbed me.  I rolled up my sleeves and prepared for the worst.  God, please, please have me pass this test!!  It felt like an eternity from the time she got my blood to when the results showed.  I needed 139 or lower.  I peered over the chair…138!  Really?  138, I passed!!  I almost started crying.  I gave the nurse a big hug and had a huge smile on my face the rest of the day!!

These last few weeks have been amazing!  With passing my blood clotting tests, the glucose test, and having our baby growing healthy and looking great on her ultrasounds, these last few weeks couldn’t get much better.  God is smiling down on us.  I believe that God has big plans for this little girl and right now, nothing can steal this joy!

Great Doctor’s Phone Call Today

Oh happy day!  The doctor called today and said that my blood test results all came back normal!

A few weeks go, the doctor from the perinatal specialist ultrasound office suggested that since I have a history of stillbirth and family history of blood clots, I should get tested to see if I carry a blood clotting gene.  At my next normal doctor’s appointment, the nurse drew 8 vials of blood where they sent it off to a lab and they ran 8 blood clotting tests.

The doctors said that if some tests came back positive, that I’d need to take a baby aspirin for the rest of my pregnancy.  If other tests came back positive, I’d need to give myself a daily shot of medication every day.  EEK!  A daily shot?  I prayed and prayed that the tests would come back negative, or normal.  I want my baby to have a happy environment, free of medication.  But of course, if the doctor said I needed to take medication, I would.  Whatever is best for the baby!

After waiting a week and a half for the results to come in, today’s call was such a huge relief!  Relief that I don’t carry a blood clotting gene, which is not only great for the pregnancy, but great for life in general.  Relief that I don’t have to take medication, especially a shot, every day for the remainder of my pregnancy.  And especially a relief knowing that this potential blood clotting gene isn’t what caused Joshua’s death.

God is good!

Now my next step is to pass the one hour glucose test on Monday…

God Speaks

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God is so good!  Even throughout the pain and struggle of losing a child, He is good.

On Sunday we were sitting in church and I felt God speaking to me.  The pastor was praying, “Thank you God, that we are alive.”  Immediate the baby gave me a big kick.  I felt like God was telling me she’s alive, she’ll be okay, you don’t have to worry anymore.

The pastor went on to pray about joy and again the baby kicked.  A nice little reminder that I need to feel joy in this pregnancy.  God has so much joy in us and our baby, God has so much joy to give, and we have so much joy in God and His goodness.

After church we attended the new member lunch.  After 6 years of attending our church, we felt it was time to finally go through the classes to become a member (slackers, I know).  During the lunch, the lead pastor went around the room and had people introduce themselves.  To my surprise, many had been attending longer than we had!  Once they said a little about themselves, the pastor read a verse for everyone.  My verse was Psalm 27:1:

“The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I fear?”

You’re right, God, whom what shall I fear?  I shouldn’t fear her birth, I should fear of her death.  She’s alive!!!!  She’s my joy!!  There is nothing to fear when I trust in God.  I need to trust He will provide.  He provided an abundant, albeit short, life for Joshua.  But he was my joy for that short time and he will always be a source of my joy.  And this little girl growing inside of me is also my joy.  God will provide a full life for her, one where I should not fear how short it may be.  She is alive and she is our joy!

Struggle between Fear and Hopefulness

I catch myself when I speak with people about my pregnancy.  I feel like I always leave the conversation having said something like, “I’m nervous” or “I hope everything goes well this time”.  Simply put, that’s the truth.  I feel those things.  However, after I say things, I feel so negative.  I never thought those things when I was pregnant with Joshua and I don’t want to feel them now.

When I first got pregnant with this little girl, I was so positive.  The fear wasn’t taking over.  I was hopeful, in fact, positive that everything would go perfectly.  However, as I get closer to the end of my pregnancy, I feel the fear taking over.  I want to take this baby home, but it’s hard to picture being home with a baby.  I love this baby so much, but I fear the same thing will happen that happened to Joshua.  I try not to think that way, I want my little girl to feel happy thoughts from her mama.  I don’t want my baby to be born knowing fear.

It seems like every time I feel worried, I think, Is the baby alive?  Is she moving?  I haven’t felt her move lately.  Seems silly, she moves constantly.  Each time I think these crazy thoughts, she moves almost immediately.  It’s like she can read my mind.  She’s continually reminding me that she’s here, she’s feisty, and she’s okay.

I’m so hopeful for this pregnancy.  My mind battles between fear that will lose my baby girl and being hopeful that she will be born alive.  I pray every night that she will come home with us and grow old with us.

I ran across a great article today on Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine’s website called Week 29: Positive Affirmations for Pregnancy.    The writer’s firstborn was stillborn at 40 weeks, unfortunately something I can relate to all too well.  In this blog post, she writes about her fears and choosing to be positive.  The last few paragraphs she wrote stood out to me:

“And then I remembered why I was doing all this second guessing of doctors, nurses, myself, and especially my body. The answer I remembered was because I didn’t trust in my body like I did last time I was pregnant.  I no longer believed that she would keep my baby safe and I miss that.  My mind misses feeling calm and connected to the infinite wisdom that is within my body to produce life.  My body and mind are in constant battle with one another arguing about what each thinks is right for this baby.

I decided I can’t have that anymore.  I WANT to place some trust back into my body again and I think she deserves that.  Will my mind give her free rein to be solely in charge of the rest of this pregnancy? No.  But I will give my body some trust back and I have been doing so with the use of positive affirmations.  I find them helpful when I’m in moments of panic or just lost in thought.  I will warn you, they are kind of cheesy (because that is just who I am), but if you need to I encourage you to use some of mine or make up your own.  It might help you calm your mind and ease your nerves about any part of pregnancy you might be anxious about.

  1. I am strong, healthy, and so is the baby I am creating.
  2. I possess the strength and courage it takes to bring this baby into the world healthy and alive.
  3. I trust the infinite wisdom of my body to protect this baby and produce life.
  4. My fears about past pregnancies and the future of this pregnancy are melting with each moment.
  5. Birth is safe for me and my baby; it’s a natural part of creation.
  6. My pregnant body is a beautiful vessel that is blooming and creating life.
  7. I visualize a beautiful birth and coming home with a healthy baby in my arms.
  8. This baby growing inside me is full of life and will live a beautiful one.
  9. I breathe in strength and breathe out calm and confidence in my body and baby.
  10. My baby loves me and I love my baby, that is enough.”

I feel so much of what she’s saying.  My mind isn’t trusting in my body to keep my baby safe.  Just like the writer, I do not want this.  I want to trust my body just like I did last time.  When I was pregnant with Joshua, I trusted that my body would keep him safe which it did for 41 weeks and I need to do that with this pregnancy.

I love her positive affirmations.  Here are the positive affirmations I’ve created that mirror her list:

  1. I am strong and so is my baby (I feel it every day!).
  2. I am courageous.  It takes a lot of courage to go through pregnancy again after loss.
  3. I trust my body will provide for my baby and protect her.
  4. My fears in this pregnancy will go away, even if it takes a lot of work to do so.
  5. Birth will come, I will not fear it, and my baby will be born alive.
  6. My body is beautiful and is producing a beautiful life.
  7. I visualize my baby coming home with me and growing up in our home.
  8. This baby is so full of life.  She reminds me with every kick.
  9. I breathe in strength and confidence and breathe out any fear and anxiety.
  10. The love my baby and I share is unbreakable.

I’ve read that babies can feel stress in the last trimester.  In a few short weeks when I enter my third trimester, I do not want my little girl feeling stress.  I want her to feel love and happiness the way Joshua did.  I want her to be born knowing only love.  No fears, no hurt, no stress.  Only love.

Mid-Term Ultrasound!

Tuesday we had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound at the perinatal specialist.  We were referred to the specialist for a high level view of our baby since we don’t know what happened with Joshua.  What an amazing day to be able to see my little peanut!

We sat down with a nurse who asked us basic questions like, “have you had any health issues, do you feel safe in your relationship?”  Then she told us, “the ultrasound tech won’t be able to tell you anything about the ultrasound, but you’ll meet with the doctor right after.  She’ll be watching your ultrasound from the other room.”  Hearing that made my slightly anxious.  This ultrasound had been highly anticipated and if something was wrong, I wanted to know right away.

Once she put the wand on my stomach and we saw the baby, all that worry went away.  The baby was adorable.  Everything looked perfect to me!  10 fingers, 10 toes, a cute little nose, and perfect lips.  The baby was so wiggly that I think the tech was getting irritated.  She was having a hard time getting a good view of things.  But I was enjoying watching my little munchkin on the screen being so active.  The baby is super active in my tummy, it was amazing to see that activity on the screen.

The baby had its hand in front of its face the entire time.  When we tried to get a shot of the face straight on, you could see both arms and behind just a little nose and mouth.  So adorable!  Once I saw the profile, I thought of Joshua.  They look so alike (at least in the womb).  Here’s a picture of my two kids!  The top one is Joshua.  Twins!

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Towards the end, we found out the gender.  We didn’t find out the gender with Joshua.  I loved the surprise!  Part of me wanted to keep it a surprise again, but this pregnancy is so different.  It has been met with a lot of fear and anxiety and I wanted to know the gender to be able to have a new level of bonding with the baby.  One that I didn’t need.  I didn’t want to get to birth and for some odd reason be disappointed with the gender.  Not that it matters.  I want a healthy baby!  As explained in the post Boy or Girl, I want a baby boy for certain reasons and I want a baby girl for certain reasons.  Both reasons even out for me and I don’t mind which gender we have!  Just a baby in my arms.  A breathing, lovely baby that I can grow old with!

Anyhow, I digress!  The baby was so squirmy, we didn’t get an amazing view, but it’s a girl!  I’m having a girl.  It’s hard to believe!  My husband was convinced from the beginning that it was a girl.  I wasn’t sure.  I have felt so differently this pregnancy that I thought it may be a girl.  About 80% of the old wives tales pointed towards a girl.  But I thought Joshua was going to be a girl and I was clearly wrong, so I wasn’t confident in my thoughts that this time it was a girl.  Plus, I thought that since I had a boy last time, I’d have a boy this time.  I know that rational doesn’t make any sense!

The ultrasound tech moved onto other parts to check and at the end, I asked, “can we just double check the gender?  I want to be sure.”  To my surprise she responded, “I’ve seen it a hundred times, it’s a girl.”  Okay!  I guess I’ll trust her.

Once we were done, we met with the doctor.  She walked in and congratulated us on the upcoming baby.  I was on the edge of my seat, “so, everything looks good?”  She responded with a yes.  “So, the heart, the kidneys, everything looks good?  The baby is growing properly?”  She smiled and responded with a yes again.  She probably thought I was a little crazy, but I was just so anxious to make sure everything was okay!

The doctor started asking us about what happened with Joshua.  She had some of my charts but asked what happened, if he looked normal or if he seemed to have any abnormalities, what size he was.  It was hard to relive those memories.  I almost wanted to ask her to stop probing, but she’s trying to help me bring this little girl home with us.  She is recommending a few extra test to my normal doctor as well as a few “wellness” ultrasounds in the later weeks of pregnancy.

It’s hard to believe I’ll be bringing home a little girl.  Since we didn’t find out the gender last time, it was all baby.  Not he, she, him, her.  Just “the baby”.  I understand the concept of having a baby, but it’s hard to believe I’m having a little girl.  Will she be into tutus and dolls?  Will she like Tonka Trucks and cars instead?  I can’t wait to see what she’s like!  Only 4 more months!  And I’m thrilled she’s healthy!