1.5

Today is April 26th. That means it’s been a year and a half since I held my firstborn, Joshua. 

A year and a half.

How has time slipped away from me? We’ve done so much since we last saw him. We went to Alaska, Vancouver, Chicago, and Arizona (4 times). We did multiple house projects. We attended 8 weddings. We’ve cried, laughed, and lived. We had a baby, and she’s almost 5 months already. Seriously, where did time go?

I long for Joshua. I wish he was here. I wish I could see him walking and calling out for “mama”. I wish I could see him interact with his little sister. As Michaela grows and does new things, I wonder if Joshua would have done the same. 

I wish he was on vacation with us. A couple days ago, I had Michaela on the hotel bed and started thinking of Joshua. “I bet he’d be jumping on the bed right now,” I said to my husband. He laughed and agreed. I know Joshua would have had a full spirit and been just as rambunctious as his dad was when he was little. 

When I was in the early days after losing Joshua, I wanted so desperately get back to my “normal” life. I wanted to feel me again. It didn’t take me long to realize that was never going to happen. The me now is different than  the me before. 

I wonder if it’ll ever get easier. Is that even the right word? How can the pain of losing a child get any easier? Sometimes I still feel alone in my grief. Sometimes it even feels like my husband didn’t go through the same thing as I did. Sometimes I sit, thinking of sweet Joshua, and cry. I miss him. I miss what would have been. 

I have to be honest, I’m not the person people say never asked, “why me?” I do. I ask why me often. It’s not fair he died. It never will be. I want to know why. For what reason did my son die? Was it to give me strength? Was it to deepen my faith? Become closer to my husband? Bless me with Michaela? Make me see life in a new light? All of these things have happened since we lost Joshua. But I still would like answers. 

But today, I don’t have any of those answers. I have a deeper appreciation for life and love. I cherish my family and know my little girl is the most important thing in the world. And I have a son watching over her who taught me more than I could express. Mama loves you Joshua!