One year ago I started this blog! One whole year. Wow, time flies. And how different my life is from a year ago! I write this as I lay on my couch with my baby on my belly sleeping (the best way for her to get in a long nap).
One year ago, I dreamt of starting a blog to get my feelings and emotions out. At that time in my life, it was hard to constantly discuss my grief with people who didn’t understand. And I felt I couldn’t constantly cry on my husband’s shoulder. He’s always been my rock but I felt I could talk about my grief all day and didn’t want that to drain our relationship. Through blogging, I quickly found a great group of other loss moms who knew exactly how I felt. At the time I started this blog, I didn’t know I would find those amazing women and didn’t realize how their stories would greatly impact my journey back to normalcy.
One year ago, I wasn’t yet pregnant again. I was still deep in grief and wondering if I would ever get pregnant again and have a living baby.
One year ago, I didn’t know that my blog would touch so many other lives. I’m amazed when I look today and see over 3500 views! I hope that my thoughts and emotions have been able to impact others in the ways that other blogs have touched my life. 3500 views may be piddly to other bloggers but I am in shock! I expected maybe a handful of people to read this.
Today, I’m a new person. I’m a mom to a living child who fills a huge void that was left in my heart when Joshua died. It will never be completely filled because Joshua still holds, and will always hold, a large chunk of my heart. My family, my friends, my blog, even strangers have helped me grieve and move forward into a much happier place than where I was a year ago.
Still, today I woke up thinking about Joshua and missing him no less than I did a year ago. I cried this morning thinking of him and how unfair it is that he’s not with me. How unfair it will always feel and how I will always miss him. That part never gets easier. I’ll always long for the baby boy I didn’t get to hold long enough and watch grow up.
I’ve spent some time re-reading my blog and seeing how far I’ve come. It brings back some painful memories but memories I wouldn’t want to let go of for they are part of my story. They are part of what makes me who I am.
I’m wondering what another year will bring. I can only hope to grow just as much as I did in this past year!