“Maybe You Should See Someone”

Today I met an old friend for lunch. It was so great to catch up and see her. We hadn’t seen each other since Michaela was born. 

We chatted about kids (she has two) and the crazy newborn stage. We chatted about life in general and were having a great time. 

I admitted to her that I’ve only been away from my near three month old once. Her response shocked me! “If you’re feeling like you don’t want to leave her, maybe you should see someone about it.” Excuse me?! I’m still in the honeymoon phase. I have no desire to leave her. The fact is, I like hanging out with my daughter. 

While we were having the conversation, the comment didn’t bother me too much. I know her heart was in a good place. But once I left lunch, I was thinking back at the conversation and the comment made me sad. 

I come from a unique situation. I’m not just a “new mom”. I’m a mom who previously lost a baby. One, I’m not at the point where I want to leave her. I love hanging out with this little girl. Two, I’m not to a point yet where I trust anyone enough to leave her with (except my husband, of course, who watched her the that one time I was away). Three, if something happened to her, especially while away from my care, my life would crumble. Think all you want that “nothing will happen, don’t be so dramatic.” But sadly I live a life knowing that something could happen at any moment. It already happened to me. 

Later in the conversation I think she realized what she had said and started backpeddling. She said, “well, you know, if in a few months you’re still feeling like you don’t want to leave her, maybe then it’s time to talk to someone about it. She needs to get used to being taken care of by others.” Please, don’t go any further.

Some may think I’m being overprotective. Some may think I’m crazy. Some may think I’m just acting like a normal first time mom. Frankly, I don’t care what others think. Until you are in my shoes, don’t judge me!

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Blog Birthday!

One year ago I started this blog! One whole year. Wow, time flies. And how different my life is from a year ago! I write this as I lay on my couch with my baby on my belly sleeping (the best way for her to get in a long nap).

One year ago, I dreamt of starting a blog to get my feelings and emotions out. At that time in my life, it was hard to constantly discuss my grief with people who didn’t understand. And I felt I couldn’t constantly cry on my husband’s shoulder. He’s always been my rock but I felt I could talk about my grief all day and didn’t want that to drain our relationship. Through blogging, I quickly found a great group of other loss moms who knew exactly how I felt. At the time I started this blog, I didn’t know I would find those amazing women and didn’t realize how their stories would greatly impact my journey back to normalcy.

One year ago, I wasn’t yet pregnant again. I was still deep in grief and wondering if I would ever get pregnant again and have a living baby.

One year ago, I didn’t know that my blog would touch so many other lives. I’m amazed when I look today and see over 3500 views! I hope that my thoughts and emotions have been able to impact others in the ways that other blogs have touched my life. 3500 views may be piddly to other bloggers but I am in shock! I expected maybe a handful of people to read this.

Today, I’m a new person. I’m a mom to a living child who fills a huge void that was left in my heart when Joshua died. It will never be completely filled because Joshua still holds, and will always hold, a large chunk of my heart. My family, my friends, my blog, even strangers have helped me grieve and move forward into a much happier place than where I was a year ago.

Still, today I woke up thinking about Joshua and missing him no less than I did a year ago. I cried this morning thinking of him and how unfair it is that he’s not with me. How unfair it will always feel and how I will always miss him. That part never gets easier. I’ll always long for the baby boy I didn’t get to hold long enough and watch grow up.

I’ve spent some time re-reading my blog and seeing how far I’ve come. It brings back some painful memories but memories I wouldn’t want to let go of for they are part of my story. They are part of what makes me who I am.

I’m wondering what another year will bring. I can only hope to grow just as much as I did in this past year!