October 26th

We are just 4 days shy of Joshua’s 1st birthday. How is it possible I’ve lived without my son longer than I lived with him? How is it possible that it’s been a year (a whole entire year) since he was born and subsequently died?

Time flies. When Joshua died, time stood still. I didn’t know what to do with the days, hours, and minutes that lie ahead of me. Once I found how to stand on my own two feet again, life continued like it had before. Day after day went by, months passed in a blink of an eye, and here we are a year later.

Oh how I wish Sunday could be different. I would do anything, absolutely anything, to have him here with us; to watch him take his first steps and to watch him devour his birthday cake complete with a frosting covered face.

Instead, I’m not quite sure what Sunday holds for us. I’ve been dreading this day since October began. On October 1st, I had a fairly decent meltdown. Work was torturous that day. It’s a rare occasion that my husband is home before I am but he was that day (thankfully). I went upstairs to our room to change out of my work clothes and when I didn’t come down right away, he came to check on me. I was crying so hard that I could barely get words out. We sat on the bed and talked for a bit. I didn’t realize that simply changing from September to October would hit me so hard. But last October was filled with so much anticipation of the pending arrival of our baby. I was so excited to meet the baby, to find out if the baby was a boy or girl, and to finally after a year of trying and 9 months of being pregnant, to have a baby in my arms. Last October was so different.

Fear also set in as last October 1st, everything was fine. Just like it is now, being pregnant with our second. Everything seems to be going well. But as I know from experience, it doesn’t always turn out fine. I got a chill of fear that what if this happens again? On October 1st, I was scared it would. We’ve made it this far and what if we come home empty handed again?

As we come nearer to his birthday, I’m feeling a bit more calm. I’m feeling good about my current pregnancy and even caught myself daydreaming about what life will be like once she arrives (I haven’t let myself do that yet). I’m hoping Sunday can be a happy day, full of remembrance and love for someone who has changed our lives for the better.

I miss Joshua. Every day. I pray that God gives him great things to do in Heaven! Whether it’s watching over someone, being someone’s guardian angel, or whatever else he could be doing up there. I hope he’s making a difference.

I love Joshua. More than I ever expected. I love him as if he were here on Earth. I love him unconditionally. And I will continue to love him all the way up to the day when we are together again.

Happy birthday sweet baby! I hope Heaven is filled with balloons and all the cake you can eat. We’ll be celebrating your life here on Earth but I’m sure your party in Heaven will be much superior.

I love you Joshua!

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4 thoughts on “October 26th

  1. I will be thinking of you and Joshua on Sunday and hoping that the celebration involves more happiness than tears (although expect there will be both). So happy to hear you were daydreaming about your baby girl’s arrival and let yourself do it for a few moments.

  2. I just came across your blog and read this post about your sweet Joshua’s birthday. I see that it is today! Happy Birthday Joshua! I just lost my son a few weeks ago in the same way as you. I imagine your post will read similar to how I will feel next year on September 17th. I believe your son IS making a difference up in heaven. I hope he is showing my son the ropes, and that the two of them are enjoying a slice of birthday cake as I type this! If my son is anything like myself, he will be where the cake is:) I hope you find comfort in this day and you are able to celebrate the time you had with him. Congrats on making Joshua a big brother, all the best with your exciting times ahead! Cheers to Joshua on his first birthday!

    • I’m so sorry to hear of your loss!! It breaks my heart hearing that others are going through the same thing I did. This is exactly the reason I started the blog. I hope you can find some healing and hope reading through my experiences. Joshua is definitely showing your son the ropes and they are watching over us and loving us every day! Sending my love to you in these early days since your loss. There’s such a great community of ladies here, feel free to reach out to any of us at any time!

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