“Are You Nervous”

Oh man, I despise the question “are you nervous”. It’s well-founded, but you know what this questions does to me…it makes me nervous! I go about my time impatiently waiting and anxiously anticipating the arrival of our daughter when I get the question (twice this week).

It makes me think that I have something to be nervous about. Do I have something to be nervous about? Why haven’t I been nervous the last couple weeks? Yep, now I’m nervous! Thanks!

I’m trying to rely on my faith and my constant prayers that she will be born screaming. The silence of last time was deafening. I’m trying to rely on the fact that my excitement has outweighed my fear. The fear comes in waves. I’m trying to rely on the fact that this probably, most likely won’t happen twice. Although, scarcely it does.

When I’m not getting these silly questions, I am excited! We are one month and two days away from meeting our little pumpkin. I know she will be born alive. I’m positive of it. I’ve researched c-sections, asked my doctor a million questions, and watched videos (yes, I watched multiple). I talk to our baby every day and let her know that Mama would appreciate it if she cries the moment she comes out and continues to cry until her daddy holds her.

One month, two days. Did I mention that?! It’s so close yet so far away. I want December 1st to be today so I can meet my little girl. Alive, healthy, and screaming!

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October 26th

We are just 4 days shy of Joshua’s 1st birthday. How is it possible I’ve lived without my son longer than I lived with him? How is it possible that it’s been a year (a whole entire year) since he was born and subsequently died?

Time flies. When Joshua died, time stood still. I didn’t know what to do with the days, hours, and minutes that lie ahead of me. Once I found how to stand on my own two feet again, life continued like it had before. Day after day went by, months passed in a blink of an eye, and here we are a year later.

Oh how I wish Sunday could be different. I would do anything, absolutely anything, to have him here with us; to watch him take his first steps and to watch him devour his birthday cake complete with a frosting covered face.

Instead, I’m not quite sure what Sunday holds for us. I’ve been dreading this day since October began. On October 1st, I had a fairly decent meltdown. Work was torturous that day. It’s a rare occasion that my husband is home before I am but he was that day (thankfully). I went upstairs to our room to change out of my work clothes and when I didn’t come down right away, he came to check on me. I was crying so hard that I could barely get words out. We sat on the bed and talked for a bit. I didn’t realize that simply changing from September to October would hit me so hard. But last October was filled with so much anticipation of the pending arrival of our baby. I was so excited to meet the baby, to find out if the baby was a boy or girl, and to finally after a year of trying and 9 months of being pregnant, to have a baby in my arms. Last October was so different.

Fear also set in as last October 1st, everything was fine. Just like it is now, being pregnant with our second. Everything seems to be going well. But as I know from experience, it doesn’t always turn out fine. I got a chill of fear that what if this happens again? On October 1st, I was scared it would. We’ve made it this far and what if we come home empty handed again?

As we come nearer to his birthday, I’m feeling a bit more calm. I’m feeling good about my current pregnancy and even caught myself daydreaming about what life will be like once she arrives (I haven’t let myself do that yet). I’m hoping Sunday can be a happy day, full of remembrance and love for someone who has changed our lives for the better.

I miss Joshua. Every day. I pray that God gives him great things to do in Heaven! Whether it’s watching over someone, being someone’s guardian angel, or whatever else he could be doing up there. I hope he’s making a difference.

I love Joshua. More than I ever expected. I love him as if he were here on Earth. I love him unconditionally. And I will continue to love him all the way up to the day when we are together again.

Happy birthday sweet baby! I hope Heaven is filled with balloons and all the cake you can eat. We’ll be celebrating your life here on Earth but I’m sure your party in Heaven will be much superior.

I love you Joshua!