Two more months (from tomorrow), we will be welcoming our daughter into this world. Unless she decides to come early! I’m excited, yet terrified at the same time.
I’m excited to hold a living, breathing baby. I’m terrified she won’t be born alive.
I’m excited to nurse her and watch her gaze up at her mama. I’m terrified I won’t get that chance.
I’m excited to bring home our baby. I’m terrified we’ll have to leave her at the hospital like we did her brother.
As I get closer and closer to the c-section date (December 1st), I get more and more excited and more and more scared. I try to trust that the Lord will provide and to be honest, I could try a little harder. I keep asking God for a sign through a dream that she’ll be okay. A clear dream where I’m home with her and she’s healthy and happy. That hasn’t happened yet. I wish, I pray that it would. But I remember that God has told me in other ways. My mom had a dream that God told her everything was going to be okay with the baby. She even kicked during prayer at church about being alive! But that seems so long ago that I want reassurance from God that it’ll be okay. I have to be okay with the fact that God may not give me those answers because he already told me.
I’m so ready to hold her. I want her in my arms. It’s hard to imagine a living baby. I think my mind blocks it out to protect me. I want to imagine a living baby at home, doing all those things moms do. I dreamed of those things when I was pregnant with Joshua. I imagined him home with us and planned Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, family outings, and vacation. I can’t see those things now. My mind refuses to look at those things. As much as I want to, my mind won’t allow myself to go there. I remember passing those milestones after giving birth to Joshua and how hard they were because I had imagined it so differently. I think my mind is trying to save me the potential pain of that again.
I was able to connect with the head of the nurses at the hospital. She walked through my hopes and fears of our birth and wrote a birth plan for us. I told her my hope is to have a healthy baby and my fear is that things will end like they did last time. I told her I wanted no silence in the room during the c-section. If the baby doesn’t come out crying, I want to make sure someone is there telling me she’s okay, she’s breathing, and she’s alive. I want all the nurses and doctors to know what happened with Joshua. I don’t need people to be overly sympathetic, but I want to avoid questions like, “is this your first?”, “I see you were here recently, how old is your first?”, or “how does your first feel about having a sister?” I know I’ll get these in life, but the birth day of my daughter is one day in particular I want to avoid these questions.
I’m happy I reached out to the hospital. The lady was so incredibly sweet and helpful. At my doctor’s appointment yesterday, my doctor mentioned how she had connected with the head of the nurses as well and discussed the birth. She was happy I had reached out to her. I’ve also requested to see if it was possible to have a “natural” or “family centered” c-section. When I said the words “natural c-section”, my doctor gave me a funny look. No, it’s not about no drugs like one would think. It’s about being as mom and baby centered as possible, just a like a vaginal birth would be. Mom can see the baby come out if she wishes (they drop the drape) and baby is placed on mom’s chest for skin to skin as well as breastfeeding while mom is being stitched up. My particular hospital is not currently practicing this method, but they are willing to try it for me as long as the baby is doing well. And they are looking into it for future c-section births. I’m so excited I could bring this idea to the hospital. I want a natural childbirth, but I’m scared to try it again, so I want to have as natural of a childbirth that I can doing a c-section. Natural and c-section don’t seem to fit in the same sentence, but I want our experience to be as natural as we can possibly make it.
Two more months from tomorrow! Nine weeks from yesterday. It’s a good thing I have my weekends from now until then all booked up so these 9 weeks fly by! I cannot wait to meet our little girl!