Two More Months

Two more months (from tomorrow), we will be welcoming our daughter into this world.  Unless she decides to come early!  I’m excited, yet terrified at the same time.

I’m excited to hold a living, breathing baby.  I’m terrified she won’t be born alive.

I’m excited to nurse her and watch her gaze up at her mama.  I’m terrified I won’t get that chance.

I’m excited to bring home our baby.  I’m terrified we’ll have to leave her at the hospital like we did her brother.

As I get closer and closer to the c-section date (December 1st), I get more and more excited and more and more scared.  I try to trust that the Lord will provide and to be honest, I could try a little harder.  I keep asking God for a sign through a dream that she’ll be okay.  A clear dream where I’m home with her and she’s healthy and happy.  That hasn’t happened yet.  I wish, I pray that it would.  But I remember that God has told me in other ways.  My mom had a dream that God told her everything was going to be okay with the baby.  She even kicked during prayer at church about being alive!  But that seems so long ago that I want reassurance from God that it’ll be okay.  I have to be okay with the fact that God may not give me those answers because he already told me.

I’m so ready to hold her.  I want her in my arms.  It’s hard to imagine a living baby.  I think my mind blocks it out to protect me.  I want to imagine a living baby at home, doing all those things moms do.  I dreamed of those things when I was pregnant with Joshua.  I imagined him home with us and planned Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, family outings, and vacation.  I can’t see those things now.  My mind refuses to look at those things.  As much as I want to, my mind won’t allow myself to go there.  I remember passing those milestones after giving birth to Joshua and how hard they were because I had imagined it so differently.  I think my mind is trying to save me the potential pain of that again.

I was able to connect with the head of the nurses at the hospital.  She walked through my hopes and fears of our birth and wrote a birth plan for us.  I told her my hope is to have a healthy baby and my fear is that things will end like they did last time.  I told her I wanted no silence in the room during the c-section.  If the baby doesn’t come out crying, I want to make sure someone is there telling me she’s okay, she’s breathing, and she’s alive.  I want all the nurses and doctors to know what happened with Joshua.  I don’t need people to be overly sympathetic, but I want to avoid questions like, “is this your first?”, “I see you were here recently, how old is your first?”, or “how does your first feel about having a sister?”  I know I’ll get these in life, but the birth day of my daughter is one day in particular I want to avoid these questions.

I’m happy I reached out to the hospital.  The lady was so incredibly sweet and helpful.  At my doctor’s appointment yesterday, my doctor mentioned how she had connected with the head of the nurses as well and discussed the birth.  She was happy I had reached out to her.  I’ve also requested to see if it was possible to have a “natural” or “family centered” c-section.  When I said the words “natural c-section”, my doctor gave me a funny look.  No, it’s not about no drugs like one would think.  It’s about being as mom and baby centered as possible, just a like a vaginal birth would be.  Mom can see the baby come out if she wishes (they drop the drape) and baby is placed on mom’s chest for skin to skin as well as breastfeeding while mom is being stitched up.  My particular hospital is not currently practicing this method, but they are willing to try it for me as long as the baby is doing well.  And they are looking into it for future c-section births.  I’m so excited I could bring this idea to the hospital.  I want a natural childbirth, but I’m scared to try it again, so I want to have as natural of a childbirth that I can doing a c-section.  Natural and c-section don’t seem to fit in the same sentence, but I want our experience to be as natural as we can possibly make it.

Two more months from tomorrow!  Nine weeks from yesterday.  It’s a good thing I have my weekends from now until then all booked up so these 9 weeks fly by!  I cannot wait to meet our little girl!

28 Week Ultrasound

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted.  I guess life has been pretty normal lately.  Just counting the days until this baby arrives.  We finally got our csection scheduled!!!  December 1st at 7:30AM.  I simply cannot wait.  11 weeks from today!  It feels better at this point to count down the weeks than keep counting up to 40 weeks (or 39 and 2 days in my case).  I hope this little girl stays in there until December 1st.  I’m so focused on that day, she’d throw me for a loop if she came earlier.

This morning we had our monthly growth ultrasound.  She’s measuring in the 77th percentile for weight at 3 pounds 3 ounces.  The pregnancy sites say she should be about 2 1/2 pounds right now; she’s well above that.  Good thing she’s coming 2 weeks earlier than Joshua or she may be a 9 pounder!

Our ultrasound tech was so friendly today.  We’ve had her twice before and the first time she was a grouch, so I was pleasantly surprised with her peppiness today!  We got done with the growth portion in about 5 minutes.  I was laying there hoping she wouldn’t stop the ultrasound yet.  We brought our moms to the appointment today to see the baby.  We had them come to our 20 week ultrasound with Joshua and looking back I’m so happy we did since it was the only time they were able to see him alive.  I cherish these ultrasounds being that the baby is alive and healthy today.  I know some might take ultrasounds for granted, but I just can’t get enough of them.

Today, the ultrasound tech was nice enough to look around and find good photo opps for us!  She was sleeping today, eye closed and so peaceful.  For a moment I panicked.  We hadn’t seen her move on the ultrasound yet and I hadn’t felt her move since early morning.  I was waiting to see the flicker of the heart, but the tech wasn’t to that spot yet.  Finally we saw the heartbeat and I had a wave of relief come over me.  I think that may be something only a loss mom would feel or understand.  We were able to see her cute chubby cheeks and soft lips!  We got a cute profile picture, verified for the third time that she’s a girl, saw her little toes, and actually saw that she has hair.  I wasn’t sure she’d have hair since I haven’t had much heartburn.  I know that’s a old wives’ tale, but Joshua had so much hair that was accompanied by so much heartburn.  I figured since I hadn’t had much this pregnancy that she’d come out bald.

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After the ultrasound, we had an OB appointment.  The nurse called us back.  The same nurse from our first OB appointment where she blurted out “you’re back soon!”  Today she recognized us but didn’t remember that Joshua had died.  “How old is your baby now?” she asked.  I paused, “ahh, he passed away at birth.”  You could see that she realized she had put her foot in her mouth.  She got uncomfortable and was sorry she had asked.  Ugh, I wish people would read charts before blurting things out like that.  But I suppose that’s part of this life I was given.  Someone will always be there to say something like that.

I recently read a post about things to do during pregnancy after loss.  One piece of advice was to work with the hospital to let them know what your expectations are for your nurses.  It suggested having nurses who are skilled in bereavement and loss.  I’m happy I read that article.  I’m planning to reach out to the hospital to see if the nurses could be made aware of our situation before coming into the room.  I’m hoping to avoid things like, “is this your first?”

On a lighter note, last night I was getting ready for bed and walked out into the hallway.  Behr, our 7 year old Husky Lab mix, was sleeping in the baby’s room.  I turned on the light to take a photo and she was not pleased with me (hence the face), but it’s too cute of her.  She did this when I was 33 week pregnant with Joshua and has done it a few times now throughout this pregnancy.  I think she’s ready to be a protective big sister.

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