Struggle between Fear and Hopefulness

I catch myself when I speak with people about my pregnancy.  I feel like I always leave the conversation having said something like, “I’m nervous” or “I hope everything goes well this time”.  Simply put, that’s the truth.  I feel those things.  However, after I say things, I feel so negative.  I never thought those things when I was pregnant with Joshua and I don’t want to feel them now.

When I first got pregnant with this little girl, I was so positive.  The fear wasn’t taking over.  I was hopeful, in fact, positive that everything would go perfectly.  However, as I get closer to the end of my pregnancy, I feel the fear taking over.  I want to take this baby home, but it’s hard to picture being home with a baby.  I love this baby so much, but I fear the same thing will happen that happened to Joshua.  I try not to think that way, I want my little girl to feel happy thoughts from her mama.  I don’t want my baby to be born knowing fear.

It seems like every time I feel worried, I think, Is the baby alive?  Is she moving?  I haven’t felt her move lately.  Seems silly, she moves constantly.  Each time I think these crazy thoughts, she moves almost immediately.  It’s like she can read my mind.  She’s continually reminding me that she’s here, she’s feisty, and she’s okay.

I’m so hopeful for this pregnancy.  My mind battles between fear that will lose my baby girl and being hopeful that she will be born alive.  I pray every night that she will come home with us and grow old with us.

I ran across a great article today on Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine’s website called Week 29: Positive Affirmations for Pregnancy.    The writer’s firstborn was stillborn at 40 weeks, unfortunately something I can relate to all too well.  In this blog post, she writes about her fears and choosing to be positive.  The last few paragraphs she wrote stood out to me:

“And then I remembered why I was doing all this second guessing of doctors, nurses, myself, and especially my body. The answer I remembered was because I didn’t trust in my body like I did last time I was pregnant.  I no longer believed that she would keep my baby safe and I miss that.  My mind misses feeling calm and connected to the infinite wisdom that is within my body to produce life.  My body and mind are in constant battle with one another arguing about what each thinks is right for this baby.

I decided I can’t have that anymore.  I WANT to place some trust back into my body again and I think she deserves that.  Will my mind give her free rein to be solely in charge of the rest of this pregnancy? No.  But I will give my body some trust back and I have been doing so with the use of positive affirmations.  I find them helpful when I’m in moments of panic or just lost in thought.  I will warn you, they are kind of cheesy (because that is just who I am), but if you need to I encourage you to use some of mine or make up your own.  It might help you calm your mind and ease your nerves about any part of pregnancy you might be anxious about.

  1. I am strong, healthy, and so is the baby I am creating.
  2. I possess the strength and courage it takes to bring this baby into the world healthy and alive.
  3. I trust the infinite wisdom of my body to protect this baby and produce life.
  4. My fears about past pregnancies and the future of this pregnancy are melting with each moment.
  5. Birth is safe for me and my baby; it’s a natural part of creation.
  6. My pregnant body is a beautiful vessel that is blooming and creating life.
  7. I visualize a beautiful birth and coming home with a healthy baby in my arms.
  8. This baby growing inside me is full of life and will live a beautiful one.
  9. I breathe in strength and breathe out calm and confidence in my body and baby.
  10. My baby loves me and I love my baby, that is enough.”

I feel so much of what she’s saying.  My mind isn’t trusting in my body to keep my baby safe.  Just like the writer, I do not want this.  I want to trust my body just like I did last time.  When I was pregnant with Joshua, I trusted that my body would keep him safe which it did for 41 weeks and I need to do that with this pregnancy.

I love her positive affirmations.  Here are the positive affirmations I’ve created that mirror her list:

  1. I am strong and so is my baby (I feel it every day!).
  2. I am courageous.  It takes a lot of courage to go through pregnancy again after loss.
  3. I trust my body will provide for my baby and protect her.
  4. My fears in this pregnancy will go away, even if it takes a lot of work to do so.
  5. Birth will come, I will not fear it, and my baby will be born alive.
  6. My body is beautiful and is producing a beautiful life.
  7. I visualize my baby coming home with me and growing up in our home.
  8. This baby is so full of life.  She reminds me with every kick.
  9. I breathe in strength and confidence and breathe out any fear and anxiety.
  10. The love my baby and I share is unbreakable.

I’ve read that babies can feel stress in the last trimester.  In a few short weeks when I enter my third trimester, I do not want my little girl feeling stress.  I want her to feel love and happiness the way Joshua did.  I want her to be born knowing only love.  No fears, no hurt, no stress.  Only love.

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4 thoughts on “Struggle between Fear and Hopefulness

  1. It’s true, I went from feeling utterly invincable to totally helpless after taidgh died. I ran down to the er at least 6 times this pregnancy, convinced it was all going wrong. I think that’s why god allowed the birth to go the way it did – I did it myself, I had no choice but to trust my body… Will be thinking and praying for you for the next 12 weeks.

    • I think God is telling me to calm my fears when I feel the baby move around. She’s alive! So happy for you with your new babe! Amazing how she arrived in the car. You truly did it all by yourself!! Congrats!

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