On Monday we had our appointment and all went well! We saw the doctor who delivered Joshua. People always ask me if I feel comfortable with her, but I don’t believe she did anything wrong during labor. Just like all of our lives, I believe Joshua’s death was written before he was even conceived. I feel comfortable with this doctor. She knows what happened and it so understanding of all my worries and questions. I asked about 100 of them at the appointment.
She started out saying that it would be okay if I did a vaginal birth again. Typically after the first, births are faster. I started thinking about it again and stopped myself. I’m just not comfortable with going through a vaginal birth again and she understood. Joshua died during birth and if there’s anything I can do to prevent that from happening again, I will do it. And quite frankly, I’d be a nervous wreck the whole time.
We talked about the ultrasounds. The nurse at my 9 week appointment told me we’d have our ultrasound at the OB’s office as well as the ultrasound at the Perinatal Specialist. At the appointment Monday, we were told that they are looking for the same things, so we will just be visiting the Perinatal Specialist. Darn it! I was hoping to see the baby in the next few weeks, now I’ll have to wait until the end of July. We are so busy between now and then, I’m sure it’ll come up quickly!
They always keep the best for last…we got to hear the heartbeat again!!! 159 beats per minute. Music to my ears! My husband recorded it on his phone. We have a recording of Joshua’s heartbeat as well. In the middle of listening, there was a little blip. I asked the doctor what it was and she said it was a kick! I cannot wait until I can feel the baby move. That was one of my favorite parts about being pregnant with Joshua! I wonder if Joshua’s brother or sister will move the same or have hiccups as often as he did.
On Tuesday morning, I asked my boss if she had a moment to chat. We walked into her boss’s office and I told them I was expecting. They were excited and then it was down to business, “when are you leaving, how long will you be gone, do we need a temp?” After the short meeting, I told my other coworkers. It was such a relief to have the secret out! It makes it feel so much more real!
I’m struggling to release my fears to God. I know He will be able to take any fears from me and know my life is in His hands. I want this baby to feel the joy and love that Joshua felt, but it’s so hard knowing something could go wrong again. That joy is stolen from you when you experience a loss. I have to work hard to set that fear aside and live in the moment, knowing God will take care of us.