Boy or Girl?

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I have my 14 week appointment today.  I get to hear the heartbeat again!  I’m hopeful that everything goes perfectly at our appointment; we hear the heartbeat and it sounds strong and fantastic, we get some answers from the doctor regarding my c-section, and we schedule our ultrasound (hopefully sooner than later!!).

We didn’t find out the gender of our first child.  This time we’ve decided to find out.  The first time around was so wonderful.  I didn’t care which gender we had.  I figured that I had waited 20 weeks before I could find out the gender on the ultrasound, I could wait another 20 weeks until the baby arrived.  It was the best feeling to hear the nurse say, “It’s a BOY!” when he was born!  Such a surprise because I was convince he was going to be a girl.  This time I feel differently.  I’m pregnant so soon after our first, I don’t feel I can wait another 40 weeks.  And although I bonded greatly with Joshua, I feel this pregnancy is different.  This pregnancy is filled with much more fear and anxiety than the last and I’d love to know the gender to bond in a different way with this baby.  I want to be able to give the baby a name and imagine my life not just with a baby, but with a baby girl or baby boy.

However, I’m nervous.  I have mixed feelings.  I want another boy so we experience all those fun things we’ve missed out on with Joshua.  Yet, I want a girl so I can experience new things and not have to feel like the baby is filling Joshua’s shoes.  I want a baby; a living, breathing, crying, sleeping, eating, pooping, healthy baby.  I don’t care what gender the baby is.  The thought of having another boy makes me excited to experience all those boy things that raising a boy brings, but nervous that it might happen again.  The thought of having a girl makes me excited for frilly dresses and a new best friend, but scared I won’t ever give my husband a boy like we lost.

I’m so excited for our appointment!!  Granted we hear the heartbeat, I’m finally breaking free of this secret and sharing the news with everyone (although my belly is pretty much sharing the news for me!).  Can’t wait to see when our ultrasound will be to see if I’m carry another boy or a girl!

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5 thoughts on “Boy or Girl?

  1. Like you, we didn’t find out Stella’s gender until she was born (nor her older brothers). We loved the idea of having such an amazing surprise after 9months of waiting. After Stella died and we were pregnant again, I was desperate to know the gender of our new little one. For some crazy reason I was convinced that it would happen again; that this new baby would die too. I felt strongly that I needed to bond with this new baby and I felt that knowing the gender would help with that. When we found out that our new baby was a girl, I was had very mixed feelings. To my complete surprise my first thought was “oh, but I already have a daughter. What does this mean for Stella’s place in our family”. I even felt a bit angry that I was having another daughter (which is crazy because I’ve ALWAYS wanted a girl). After some rationalizing I came to the conclusion that I would now have 2 daughters and that the new baby was Stella’s little sister. Stella would always hold a special place in our family, regardless of who came after her. It was a very stressful pregnancy and I wasn’t always thinking rationally. Finding out the gender in my last pregnancy was a very good thing for me though. I’m glad I had time to process and get used to the idea of having another daughter before she was born.

    Good luck with your appointment. Hearing that little heart beating is such a tonic!

  2. I just found your blog… I am struggling with this decision right now for the little one who will hopefully be our rainbow baby. I did a post about it last week… we lost a little girl and I desperately want another girl. But on the other hand, I want this pregnancy to be different, so maybe a boy would be best? In the end, I want a healthy, living baby and that is all. I don’t think the mixed feelings about gender can be helped, though. Hang in there.

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