I have my 14 week appointment today. I get to hear the heartbeat again! I’m hopeful that everything goes perfectly at our appointment; we hear the heartbeat and it sounds strong and fantastic, we get some answers from the doctor regarding my c-section, and we schedule our ultrasound (hopefully sooner than later!!).
We didn’t find out the gender of our first child. This time we’ve decided to find out. The first time around was so wonderful. I didn’t care which gender we had. I figured that I had waited 20 weeks before I could find out the gender on the ultrasound, I could wait another 20 weeks until the baby arrived. It was the best feeling to hear the nurse say, “It’s a BOY!” when he was born! Such a surprise because I was convince he was going to be a girl. This time I feel differently. I’m pregnant so soon after our first, I don’t feel I can wait another 40 weeks. And although I bonded greatly with Joshua, I feel this pregnancy is different. This pregnancy is filled with much more fear and anxiety than the last and I’d love to know the gender to bond in a different way with this baby. I want to be able to give the baby a name and imagine my life not just with a baby, but with a baby girl or baby boy.
However, I’m nervous. I have mixed feelings. I want another boy so we experience all those fun things we’ve missed out on with Joshua. Yet, I want a girl so I can experience new things and not have to feel like the baby is filling Joshua’s shoes. I want a baby; a living, breathing, crying, sleeping, eating, pooping, healthy baby. I don’t care what gender the baby is. The thought of having another boy makes me excited to experience all those boy things that raising a boy brings, but nervous that it might happen again. The thought of having a girl makes me excited for frilly dresses and a new best friend, but scared I won’t ever give my husband a boy like we lost.
I’m so excited for our appointment!! Granted we hear the heartbeat, I’m finally breaking free of this secret and sharing the news with everyone (although my belly is pretty much sharing the news for me!). Can’t wait to see when our ultrasound will be to see if I’m carry another boy or a girl!