As my husband and I were driving home after running errands yesterday, we started chatting. I was telling my husband how my mom recently told the family we were expecting again and one of my aunts told her she’ll just love being a grandma because grandkids are so much fun. When my mom told me that, I wanted to blurt out, “sorry, I let you down.” I know it wasn’t a malicious statement by either my aunt or my mom, but I felt a jab hearing it because I tried to give her a grandchild – I did give her a grandchild. I’m sorry, he died.
My husband is seriously just so sweet. He did his best to try to find the words to comfort me and “mediate” the situation, letting me know that I’m not crazy for thinking that, but also that my mom didn’t mean any harm by saying what she did. I went on to tell him how I feel the same when people tell us that kids are so much fun. So many people have asked, “are you going to try again soon?” When we would say yes, their response would be, “good, because kids are so much fun!” This doesn’t help me feel better about what happened.
Then I was overwhelmed with fear and started to cry. He put his hand on my knee to try to settle my nerves. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I was telling him how excited I am about this pregnancy, but so scared it will end up the same. We’ll get to the hospital and have the baby and the baby will die. I feel like I’m as scared as I am excited. So excited to bring home a baby, yet so scared it won’t happen.
We were pulling into our neighborhood on a lovely night. There were so many people outside. I tried to wipe my tears. And of course, we passed two new parents pushing their babies. One who had their baby in March and one just last week. I tried to act normal and wave, hoping they didn’t see the pain in my eyes.
I’m so happy I have my husband to talk to. He’s someone who understands exactly what I went through and someone I’m comfortable talking to about my feelings, no matter how silly they sound. I appreciate him for that!