I’ve hit the 12 week mark. I’m getting closer to the 2nd trimester…after that, I’ll be in the “safe zone”. Wait, what “safe zone”? That’s a silly term that all those baby websites give newly pregnant first time moms to ease our minds that absolutely nothing bad will happen after you’ve passed your first trimester.
At our 9 week appointment, we heard the most magical sound – the heartbeat. The nurse told us once we heard the heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage goes down to 3 or 4%. Comforting, but what if I’m that 3 or 4%?
My husband and I have told all of our close friends the good news. Most cried…just like we did when we told them. No family members know yet outside of our parents and siblings. Work doesn’t know yet. I’m nervous to tell everyone. I want to blurt it out, but my secret is safe within the ones who know. I’m scared that if I tell everyone else, something will go wrong.
It’s getting so hard to hide this bump that’s partial leftover from Joshua and partial new baby. I can’t suck it in anymore, it’s just there. I know people are speculating at work. One close friend at work knows and told me another coworker asked her the other day if I was pregnant. She speculated because I got a veggie sandwich at Jimmy Johns and stopped bringing coffee to work every morning. She caught me – she’s right!
I’m waiting until our next appointment on June 9th (14 weeks) to hear the heartbeat again. I keep telling myself that once I hear the heartbeat again, it’ll be okay to tell people. But once I get to June 9th, will I feel any different than I do today? I know at any time something could go wrong, but I have to stop living in fear.
The truth is, I’m so incredibly excited about this new life growing inside of me. Excited enough I could shout it out…and cry and laugh all at the same time. My secret is safe here. It makes me nervous to share the news with others because it makes it more real. It makes Joshua’s loss more real. It makes my “moving on” known to everyone (as if that’s possible, because anyone in my shoes knows you never move on). It makes this new baby more real. It makes the potential of losing it more real. But it also makes the excitement of bringing it home a living baby much more real and thrilling.
The countdown has begun. Only 12 more days until I can shout the good news to everyone!