Soon after Joshua died, I met with a coworker who had a very similar experience 7 years prior to me. She has been so great along this journey! She now has two living children and has been able to help me understand that my emotions and feelings are totally normal. She expresses how she felt, and although it’s not always the same as how I feel, it’s good to hear her experience through the stillbirth of her own son. She said something to me that day that sounded so strange at the time. Something along the lines of:
“My husband and I separately started buying lottery tickets without telling each other. We never bought lottery tickets before, other than the occasional time when the jackpot was really high. But we both felt like life had dealt us some really shitty cards and that life owed us something. We felt like we were bound to be lucky.”
I thought this was a silly concept when she told me, but recently I’ve been struck with the same feeling. Lately I feel like every sweepstakes or drawing I enter, I’m bound to win. I’ve not really won anything before so I’m not sure why I feel like I should win now, but for some reason I feel like I am going to win. Not that I deserve to win, not that I’m lucky, but like my coworker said, I feel like life owes me. Logically, I know life doesn’t owe me anything, but that’s how I feel right now.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I entered into the Ellen Mother’s Day Show and thought for sure they were going to pick me to go. Even yesterday I was at an event and there were 4 prizes to enter into. I knew I was going to win….I didn’t. I called my husband afterwards and told him how much I felt like my name would be picked and I was upset it wasn’t. It sounded so silly coming out of my mouth. I knew what I was saying was senseless. I knew feeling upset about not winning was downright dumb.
Being a Christian, I don’t truly believe in luck or karma. Sometimes I use the terms: “that was lucky”, “good luck”, “karma…what goes around, comes around”. I believe that God has a hand in what happens in my life. Not luck, not karma. If I win, God had a hand in it. Life doesn’t owe me anything, and neither does God.