My heart goes out to all those out there who are without their mothers this year, without their children this year, and those longing to be a mom. Two of these three are dear to my heart as I had longed to be a mom for so long and now that I am, my child is not here to celebrate Mother’s Day with me.
This weekend was lovely. I went to lunch with a friend on Saturday and came home to my wonderful husband planting our vegetable garden. A couple weeks prior, I was looking at it thinking how much I wanted it planted but didn’t want to do it myself. My husband read my mind, it was such a wonderful surprise to come home to! Our garden now has a few herbs, tomatoes, peppers, jalapenos, carrots, and green onions. I can’t wait for the plants to start producing!
On Sunday, Mother’s Day, I expected to wake up sad. No tears were coming. I feel like I’m to the point where I’m just so grateful for that small amount of time we had with Joshua. He was so special and thinking of him makes me happy. I took a shower and deliberately used the shower gel that I used the day I went into labor. That smell reminds me of him. I’m almost out…I need to get more! Then I went to the side of my of the bed where I have my favorite photo of Joshua. I stared at it for a bit and then gave it a big kiss and told him how much I love him.
We went to church were we teach 3rd grade Sunday School. Our class was small on Sunday, only girls. We were making Mother’s Day cards for their moms and one of the girls asked if we had kids. I said, “yes, one”. Then they asked Boy or Girl. “Boy.” Then they asked how old……now I was stuck. Do I tell them 6 months (his “would be” age) or do I tell them the truth? I said, “he died when he was a baby.” One girl, bless her heart, said “most times babies die because of something the doctor gives them.” I didn’t know what to say so I just moved on to the next thing in class. That whole conversation made me want to cry because my baby wasn’t here anymore; especially on a special day like Mother’s Day.
I walked out of Sunday School sad. But was soon cheered up by going to lunch with my parents. We had a great time and my parents are always so great at acknowledging my mom as well as me as a mom. My parents are simply the best.
For dinner we went to my in-laws and made his mom dinner. Before dinner my father-in-law always prays. It went something along the lines of “….and thank you especially for Mom and all she’s done….”. Wait, what about me, the other mom in the room? What about my son and what about the child I’m carrying? Is that selfish? I wanted to kick my husband so he could add onto the end of the prayer with something like, “thank you for my wife, the mother of my children and all she’s endured this last year.” I didn’t. I sucked it up and internalized it. After dinner I had a bit of a stomach ache so luckily we were able to leave quickly.
When we got home, I was sad. I’m not sure if it was the prayer where I wasn’t recognized for being a mom. I’m not sure if it was the long day. I’m not sure if it was all the Facebook posts of how blessed people are that they are a mom or pregnancy announcements. I sat on the couch and told my husband, “I’m kind of sad. I just thought it’d be different.” He said, “I know hun, but next year will be different.” It’s hard to believe him. I’m so positive about the pregnancy and that pregnancy will go well, but I can’t see passed it. Joshua’s life and our future with him ended at birth, so I’m having a hard time picturing life with a baby after December.
Mother’s Day. Another day on the calendar. I can only hope and pray that next year will be different. This year, I’m pregnant for the second year in a row. Next year, I’ll be a mom to two babies. One in Heaven and one in my arms.
Nine Months of Love 