I admit, it was hard for me to write that first post about my pregnancy. Still, only 2 blogs since the announcement, it’s hard for me to talk about things that may hurt someone reading it. Up until now, my blog has revolved around the stillbirth of my son and the pain that’s surrounded it. I didn’t know how to announce my pregnancy to my friends or those who follow my blog but I knew it had to come out sooner or later. My life is evolving. It’s growing into something I never planned. I planned to be pregnant a year before I was but it took a year for me to get pregnant. I planned to have a 6 month old right now, not to be pregnant with my second child because my first died. I planned to get pregnant the month we started trying again. But life doesn’t always go the way we plan and I have to believe that’s for a good reason.
I am truly sorry if my announcement has caused a tinge of pain to any of my followers or friends. I’m hoping that isn’t the case, but I was afraid it may happen. Those feelings are okay and they’re acceptable. I understand, I’ve felt it before. The pain of seeing that someone else is pregnant while I am not. I know that feeling. I’ve been happy for that person and sad for myself. Loathing the fact that they can have happiness again and I’m just not there yet. Avoiding their blogs and focusing on others that are still in my shoes. If it’s easier for some to not follow my blog at this moment in time, I’m okay with that because I understand.
My blog is about my journey through the stillbirth of my son and that will not change. My son is the reason I created this blog. My son is the reason we are having another child so quickly. My son is the reason I’m a mom.
Reading blogs of others in similar life circumstances has helped me tremendously through my deep, deep sorrow and helps me today as my grief comes and goes. The community we have here has help me feel less alone, feel more sane, and has help me feel more me again. For that, I thank all of you! Your support has been amazing!
I’m hoping to jump into new writing. Writing of my experiences of life after death where our second baby can bring renewed happiness and renewed strength. I write that hoping that this is all roses and butterflies but I know that’s not the case. I’m happy and sad, excited and scared. I know this will be a long road until a baby is safe in my arms – breathing. This is my life and this is my journey!