I’m scared. Or am I? I’m not sure that’s the right word. I’m excited for this new pregnancy and excited to take a baby home, but will it happen? I’m scared that it won’t. I have to believe fully that we will bring this baby home, but I’m 0 for 1 so far. What if it’s 0 for 2? I guess that’s the risk we take trying for another child.
In my first pregnancy I was plagued with fear that I’d miscarry. After the first trimester was over, that fear vanished. I didn’t think my baby would die. I feel the same way now, except, I know my baby could die at any time, not just in the first 3 months of pregnancy.
It feels odd going through these stages again. It was just over a year ago that I went through it for the first time and still feels so fresh. We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks. When I made the appointment the receptionist described it as making sure it was a “viable” pregnancy. Viable? You mean, this one could die too? That was the wrong word to choose to describe why I’m having an ultrasound at 6 weeks. The wrong word to use for someone who’s previous baby died.
When I went in for the ultrasound, the tech was so sweet. She did our first ultrasound of Joshua at 7 weeks to verify the date. She gave her condolences and was very positive the whole time. When we walked out of the room, a nurse caught my eye. She drew my blood so many times over the last pregnancy. I had bonded with her right away because she was also pregnant and we had the same due date. This time when I saw her, I wanted to hide. She has a baby at home and I don’t. What did she think when she saw me again? Does she know? It hurt to see her. I’m happy she didn’t experience the same thing I did, but it hurt knowing that she has what I want.
Morning (all day, rather) sickness has hit me like a ton of bricks just like it did last time. As miserable as I feel, I’m happy to feel crappy because it reminds me that I’m still pregnant. It’s comforting to me to know that my hormones are making me feel out of wack because my hormones are busy supporting a life. But still, I’m scared. I tell myself that my last pregnancy was perfect and that this one will be too. It was during labor when Joshua died. So I’m changing labor. I’m opting for a c-section this time if my doctor will approve. We briefly discussed it during recovery in the hospital so I’m hoping we are still on the same page. I don’t want to go through labor again. I’m not strong enough. Is my body not capable of handling labor? Are my babies not strong enough to withstand that pressure? I want to make the exit as easy for the baby as possible and if that means surgery for me, go for it.
I’m scared these next 7 months will drag on forever. I was so busy planning when I was pregnant with Joshua. Finding the perfect nursery items, buying cute gender-neutral clothes, researching and reviewing all the products before registering for them or buying them. Now, the nursery is done, I have all the clothes I need, and I’ve already purchased the products I spent so much time researching. What will I do these next 7 months? My last pregnancy I was preparing for a baby, now I feel like I’m already prepared. I wish I could fast forward to my due date, but then again I don’t. I don’t want to miss out on the amazing things that happen in pregnancy. The amazing things I hold onto so dearly about Joshua. The kicks and turns and hiccups. Feeling the baby’s personality and imagining our sweet life together.
I’m hoping the next 7 months fly by. I cannot, will not, and downright refuse to be plagued with fear. I must be positive. I once read a quote from a book saying something along the lines of, if this baby were to die, I would want it to know how loved it was. I have to do all of the things I did with Joshua. I have to love. I have to bond. This baby will not know fear. This baby will only know love.