Saturday, April 26th marked 6 months since our baby died. 6 months since he nearly viewed this earth outside of my womb. 6 months since our lives were turned upside down. However, Saturday was a good day. My husband and I made eggs, bacon, and toast and enjoyed the morning together. And later in the afternoon, after a good nap, we went on a long walk with the dogs. We didn’t discuss the past 6 months or the sadness, but we remembered our baby and made it a point to have a happy day.
Sunday, the hospital held a perinatal memorial service. On the way there, my husband said he hoped the service wasn’t too sad. He doesn’t want to remember the sadness. Part of me wanted to be mad at him but I understood. I know how positive my husband is and how great he is at seeing the positive in things – that’s something I love about him and something that’s helped me so greatly through these last 6 months.
We walked into the hospital and at the same time multiple pregnant moms were walking out. They must have just gotten done with a labor and delivery class. Poor timing to have the perinatal service at the same time all these beautifully pregnant women are enjoying their upcoming bundles of joy. It was okay though, it reminded me how happy and excited we were when we were in that class.
We walked down the hall and turned the corner to where the service was being held. I wanted to break down. I did everything to hold back tears. We sat down among the other parents. The couple behind us was all sniffles the whole service. Right before service started, the tears came. It felt so fresh again, like I was back 6 months ago. I had to stop myself before it turned into an uncontrollable audible cry. I was almost there. I could feel that ugly loud cry about to come just like it did the days after Joshua passed.
The service was beautiful! The hospital did such a great job remembering our babies and made it known how important they were in all of our lives. Not just as parents, but our babies were important to the nurses, to the hospital, and to the world. We had the opportunity to walk up and say the name of our babies. I had my husband do it – I wasn’t strong enough. Then we were able to plant a dahlia bulb in memory of our babies. I love these flowers! I had them in the floral arrangements at our wedding. I can only hope I planted it the proper way so it grows (I do not have a green thumb).
I couldn’t help but wonder everyone’s story. How did their babies die? Does anyone have the same story that we do? Was anyone there at the same time we were? I wanted to chat with others there, but I didn’t know what to say. How do you strike up small talk at a perinatal service? “How are you today? Crumby weather, huh?” I couldn’t think of anything appropriate to say so my husband and I kept to ourselves.
There were so many pregnant moms again. It was encouraging to see happiness again and new life where life had been taken away. Happily I can say, one of those moms is me. Not visible yet, only 8 weeks, but excited for the prospect of new life. Excited for a sibling for Joshua.
We told my parents this weekend (we told my in-laws last weekend). We recently got a new car and they hadn’t seen it yet, so we put the car seat in the back. When they opened the door to the back seat, I told them I wanted to make sure the car seat fit since we’ll be needing it in December. My parents started bawling. My mom said that God was probably tired of hearing from her, begging for another grandbaby from us.
We are happy and scared, but more happy than scared. I’m happy to be carrying new life. A huge weight has been lifted from me. Going through this process again brings back happy memories of Joshua, all the great times we had together. But it also makes me sad to think that I’m going through this again so soon because Joshua is no longer here.
Here’s to hoping (and lots of praying) that these next 7 months go smoothly and we are able to take home our happy and healthy baby.