Saturday, April 26th will mark the 6 month anniversary of Joshua’s birth and death. It’s hard to imagine having a 6 month old baby right now. As much as I want it and as much as I pictured my life differently 6 months ago, today I cannot picture it any differently than what it is now. It makes me sad to think that I cannot picture my life with a 6 month old since that’s what I want so badly, but since I haven’t experienced it, I have no idea what it’d be like.
It’s been 6 months since we said hello and goodbye to our son. 6 months since our lives were turned upside down. 6 months since the best and worst day of my life. 6 months since I last saw his precious face and touched his soft skin. 6 months from when I thought the title of “mom” included late nights, spit ups, and dirty diapers to what it now means to me as mourning and loving someone who’s not here.
6 months down. It feels like I’m recovering from an addiction when I say that. 6 months ago, I didn’t want to accept my “new life”. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to go and I didn’t want to to be branded as the lady who’s baby died. I didn’t want to leave the house because I felt everyone knew, like it was written across my forehead. I didn’t want to be sad the rest of my life because a part of our family was missing.
These last 6 months seemed to have gone by in the blink of an eye. Yet, 6 months seems lifetimes ago. I’m not quite sure how I survived. One day at a time. One step at a time. One tear at a time. God has gotten me through the worst of it and I continue to lean on Him for strength.
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice.” Philippians 4:4
“Call to me and I will answer you.” Jeremiah 33:3
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11
I know God is real and I know God is good, but there were times I didn’t believe it. Even reading these verses sometimes makes me think “yeah right”. The Bible says the Lord has plans to not harm us, but I feel like my life was harmed. If God is so good, why did this happen to me? If God is real, why didn’t he answer my prayers to revive my baby? But I know God has a purpose for my life and for Joshua’s life. I may not figure it out in this life, but I know that I will see Joshua again and I know I will one day be provided an answer to all the why’s.
6 months ago, I couldn’t tell you any answers to the why’s. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you any good that’s come out of my son dying. But 6 month into my “new normal”, I can tell you that I’m stronger. I’m a better wife, daughter, and friend. I know life is precious and I don’t take it for granted. I’m able to help others who have been through something similar and able to comfort those who have lost loved ones. I don’t take crap from others, I know life is too short to do so. I know I would have been a good mom to Joshua, but I know I will be an even better mom to our future children.
6 months later, I miss my son no less, I love him more, and I will continue to strive to remember him. Love you Joshua!