Firsts

Firsts.  Why can firsts be so terrible?  I thought firsts were supposed to be exciting but after we lost Joshua, I dreaded firsts.

The first Friday after we lost him – one week after going into labor.  The first Saturday – one week after he died.  For a good while I thought I may never enjoy the weekends again.  Friday and Saturday were just a reminder of his death and my sadness.

The first Halloween – he was supposed to be bundled in a cute costume.

The first 19th of the month – one month after I was due.  The first 26th – one month after he was born.

The first Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years.  All were just okay when I typically love these holidays.

The first extended family get together – I was supposed to be passing around a newborn.  I had so much anxiety about that day.

The first day back to work.

The first birthday I had – it wasn’t exciting.  I was supposed to be celebrating with my baby.  It was just a reminder that I’m one year older and no closer to having a baby in my arms.

Oh how I thought firsts would be different.  First smile, first laugh, first tooth, first walk, first birthday.  These are firsts I looked forward to with Joshua and still look forward to with our future children.  I feel like I’ve healed greatly and am more at peace with Joshua being gone, but it makes me sad to think of his firsts that we are missing out on.  He’s in Heaven dancing around, not sad about missing these firsts.  He has a better life and for that I am grateful.