Crying seems so frequent these days. I didn’t used to cry. I didn’t share my feelings outside of the comfort of my close family and friends. Now I feel like I have a story to share. One that people may or may not want to hear, but that doesn’t matter to me.
I think I’ve cried more in the last 5 months than I have my entire life. Writing that makes me sad. Thinking about my sadness makes me more sad. I don’t want to look back on my life and see how sad I was, but the reality is I’m going through what’s likely going to be the most tragic time in my life.
In the beginning I cried because I felt alone. I cried because this wasn’t supposed to be my life. It wasn’t the life I imagined. I cried because I wanted my baby back. I cried every time I told my story or people acknowledge Joshua. I remember saying, “I’m so ready to be to the point where I can share my story without crying. I’m ready to be able to tell someone I have a son without crying every time.”
Later I cried because I felt alone. I cried because I didn’t want to accept this new life I was given. I felt like everyone around me was happy and had moved on with their lives. I felt like people had already forgotten about Joshua. My mom and a couple very close friends were the only ones who seemed to remember. Some people never wanted to bring it up. My in-laws never do and I feel awkward talking about Joshua with them. My mom has been awesome. She remembers big dates, like the 26th of each month or the date we told them we were pregnant, and lets me know she’s thinking about me on those days. I have one friend who is also amazing! She sent me a card every week for quite some time just to let me know she was thinking of me. She called to check in and when we got together she made it a point to talk about Joshua. She even told me one day that she was looking at his picture before we met up for coffee. These little things validate his life. My “situation” isn’t being swept under a rug. I’m a mother who misses her son and would give anything for one more minute with him.
I used to think it was odd when I would see people chatting at a local coffee shop clearly upset and crying about something personal. Now, I’m that girl! I’ve learned it’s okay to cry in public. I have no shame. If someone wants to look at me a wonder what’s going on, that’s fine. If someone wants to snicker at my tears, I’m okay with it. Life is more important than what strangers think of your tears. In the very early days, it was so nice to get out of the house and have a change of pace. I was bound to cry no matter my surroundings, but I wanted to get out of the house rather than people coming to see me.
I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for my amazing friends and family to help me through this time. But above all, God. Without my faith in God, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
God has comforted me. Though sometimes I don’t feel Him every second of the day, He’s there. He sends reminders when I can’t see Him (or refuse to see Him).
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
He’s knows how I feel; He’s cried the same tears I’ve cried. He knows all of our situations, no matter what they are, and He will comfort us. We simply need to let Him in. It may not always be easy to let Him in. He may not reveal Himself to us in the moment we demand. But He is there. He wants us to come to Him in times of need and to rely on Him for all we need – each and every day.