I’ve been talking to God a lot lately.
And I’ve been trying to quiet myself enough to listen.
I can hear Him talking to me. Whether it’s through a song, a verse, a pastor’s message, or something else – I can hear Him. From God speaking to me, I feel more at peace with Joshua’s death. I’m still sad; I always will be. I still wonder what life would be like if he were here; I always will. But lately, I’m more at peace. I’m starting to feel more blessed for the time we had together, happier when I think of him, and able to hold back tears (sometimes) when I talk about him.
When I allow myself to listen when I ask God, “why me, why Joshua?”, I hear Him say, “because I love you”. Now – I have no idea what that means. Zero. But I know God is protecting me and loving me along this journey. In the same way I would do anything for Joshua, my child, God would do anything for me, His child.
I hear God answering my prayers for another child when I posted a prayer on the Prayer Works app a month ago and am still receiving notifications that people are praying for me. Typically you receive notifications the same day the prayer is posted and maybe one or two afterwards. However, for this particular prayer request for a new, healthy pregnancy and happy, healthy baby, I continue to receive notifications that people are praying for me. I know this is God easing my mind, “it’s going to be okay, you will get pregnant again”.
I trust God. It’s hard to give up control to God, but I trust His will and His way. When fear strikes me that I will never become pregnant again, I trust that He is telling me that I will. Although I want to be pregnant now, I feel Him telling me it’ll be soon. Patience. Trust.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
So tonight and for many more nights to come, as I sit in the rocker intended for rocking my baby, I will be rocking while I pray for God to bless us with a baby again.