As I stare at my computer background image, it’s hard to imagine that those perfect little feet are my little boy’s. It’s hard to imagine that something so perfect could be gone. And it’s even hard to imagine that he was once here. It hasn’t been long – nearly 4 months. But it seems a lifetime ago that I was pregnant and gave birth. However, the pain is still very real.
I follow Joyce Meyer on Facebook and this little message popped up the other day.
How I needed this on that day, and how I need this today…and every day.
I struggle to know that God is with me.
I struggle to allow God to be in control of my life.
I know both of these statements are true, but in the midst of heartache or trials in your life, it can be hard to accept. I even struggle with it as I write this post.
If God is with me, why can’t I feel Him? If God is with me, why’d He take my baby? If God is with me, why am I not pregnant yet (we’re trying for our second)?
If God is in control, why’d He do this to me? If God’s in control, why didn’t He answer my prayers to revive my baby? If God is in control, why won’t He make me pregnant again (now!)?
Those questions hit me frequently. And as I proof-read what I just wrote, it’s eye opening – how selfish it sounds. Life isn’t about me. Life is about God and His will. It’s my will to have my baby back, it’s my will to be pregnant again, but is that God’s will? If it was, my baby would be here and we wouldn’t be trying to have another right now. God is in control, not me. Oh, it’s so hard to give up control.