Grief hits you at the most random times. Yesterday I felt amazing. I was happy with life and feeling blessed for Joshua’s life. Then I was watching the Olympics and a P&G Moms commercial came on. I love those commercials, but I started bawling.
Today I miss my baby.
This morning a friend posted a video on Facebook of her daughter laughing. Her daughter is just 3 weeks younger than Joshua. I couldn’t help but think, I wonder if he’d be laughing right now. I wonder what his smile would look like. One day I will know when we are reunited in Heaven. Every day leading up to that I can only imagine what he would look like, smell like, be like.
We are a week shy of Joshua being born 4 months ago. I wonder what it would be like with a 4 month old. I wonder how my life would be different. I wonder what he would be like and what milestones he would have accomplished by now. Smiling, laughing, rolling over.
I believe in God. I believe in a bright future. And I have high hopes that one day I will be a mom of a living child. One where I will enjoy all the smiles, laughter, and milestones.
I know God has a plan for my life and I know that Joshua was no fluke in that plan. Joshua was planned. Joshua’s life had purpose. God blessed us with him for many reasons; some of which I don’t know of yet but hope to see down the road. I feel blessed to have had Joshua in our lives. Though today I am missing him, I know he his here. Only the bereaved mamas can say that their children are with them at all times. Living children leave the home to go to school, play with friends, go to college, get married – our children are with us every day of our lives watching over us.